A reflection on the word “lesbian”

sapphonaturally:

‘Sometime during third grade one of the older girls spread a rumor that I was a lesbian. I didn’t know what the word meant but my teacher said I’d figure it out someday.

“I quickly realized that that the word lesbian means never been invited to sleepovers or birthday parties. It is the fear that you will try to touch another girl without her permission, just as boys do.

“To me the word lesbian is synonymous with a scared little girl with big eyes and an aching heart. She sits silently as all of her friends talk about boys, heart pounding terrified they’ll ask her which one she likes best.

“It is watching your first crush slow dance with her boyfriend at the eighth grade dance, wondering how many Advil you need to swallow to never wake up again. It is the burn in the chest as you remember your mother explaining ‘girls do not kiss other girls’.

“It is the fear of the locker room in freshman year P.E. It is pretending not to hear the pretty girl say, ‘I hope there aren’t any lesbians in here. That would be creepy’.

‘It is the boy in English class saying he only watches lesbian porn but would never vote for gay marriage.

“It is hearing your best friend say “I love gay people!” but confessing to you she wouldn’t know how to react to a lesbian, since lesbians probably think about her naked.

“But no one ever told me that lesbian means beauty and strength. The beauty of loving a girl for the first time, and the strength of all the other women loving women who came before you. It is being the person you are exactly as you were meant to be. It is flawless, and it is fearless.

— A reflection on the word “lesbian” by C.M.H (via badplanets)